Poker is a game of anatomy. The best hand will keep you from defeat! There are many possibilities for strong hands: a full house, four of a kind, the coveted straight flush. However, just because a hand is rare, doesn’t make it a winner. Let me tell you about a little hand I like to call a full canoe!

Three-pair, ladies and degenerates, I have deemed the full canoe. I have prepared a mathematical proof for the explain its power.

A pair such as 88, can be trumped by two pair such as 4477, that much we know. It stands to reason that three pair beats both. Lets take this proof a step farther. A full house beats two pair because a full house uses five cards while the two pair uses only four. See where I’m going with this? Three pair uses six! Extending my theorem the full canoe beats everything but a seven card straight, flush or straight flush.

Readers, we do NOT live in a fair and just world. I have used this master hand in practise and have been met with much poker bigotry. “It’s the best FIVE card hand” they say. “Where did you learn to play poker?” they ask. “Come back here!” they demand as I’m running to the door with the kitty. Don’t worry, the next day I usually give them back said cat in exchange for cash.

Anywho, nevermind the critics! Play your full canoes! Get either a good lawyer or better getaway driver! And shuffle up and deal!

An ace! Followed by another ace! S#@t!

I’m faced with a decision. Usually it’s so easy to bet into these posers in early position–really push my short-stack around. That was before the aces…now I have an impossible choice: check or fold.
Can I really afford to check here? Risking no more is risking everything! Someone will raise my bet of zero and force another decision on me. God, I hate decisions.

Readers, avoid this catastrophe at all costs. Pocket pairs are so hard to improve, and starting with two cards the value of one makes it only harder. I used to think checking was an option, but it only delays the inevitable. Someone will take your money whether with a better hand, with a well-placed bluff, or with a tire iron (or stale baguette in my case) in a back alley on your way to your bicycle. Do yourself a favor and fold those rockets preflop.

So what are we talking here? Roulette? Dice? You’re on the right track, but the odds are still too slim to guarantee that big payout. I’m talking about the lottery.! They say it is a game of chance, but I feel my local Megaball has more in common with chess than anything else. It is a battle of wits–me against God, and we all know what a lousy chess player God is.

So do yourself a favor and swear off cards. Quit playing fallible humans and start taking swings at the cosmic. Swings? What am I saying? Swing! One try should be all you need, so invest your entire bankroll in the big Keno. If you don’t have a bankroll, consider taking out a second mortgage for the big payoff, in these hard economic times, you can’t afford not to.

Now that we’re all in agreement, only one thing remains…the prodigal numbers. Birthdays and anniversaries are old hat. I like number series, my personal favorite is 1 2 3 4 5 with a powerball of 6. However, if actually choosing the digits still puts too much control in your hands, which I completely understand, behold the best thing since the abacus–QickPick! A computer randomly generates numbers for you so that you can win against a computer that randomly generates numbers. Talk about fighting fire with fire, how can you lose? I almost feel like a fool for not keeping this my little secret, just remember who to thank when the cash starts rolling in. Happy guessing!